Dear Diary
by Gilly Bean2
Summary: For her 16th birthday, Buffy recieves a diary. She rambles on in it about her life. AU Starts BA, Spuffy soon warning- Deals with Rape indirectly CH 10 uploaded, 6-29
1. January 12th to January 15th

**_Dear Diary_**

**_By Gilly Bean_**

December 3, 2002 

Don't take until you ask.

AN: The grammar may be off at times, but it's written like Buffy would actually write a diary, so I'm actually having to FORCE myself to use improper grammar at times. 

January 12th, 1998-

Dear Diary, 

This feels awfully odd, though my mother says it will help develop my language skills, and also give me something in which to vent. She told me today that a diary is the best listener in the world: It will never judge, it will always listen impartially, and I'm sure there was more to what she was getting at. Either way, the whole, Dear Diary bit just sounds a bit on cheesy side, extra cheese. 

So, I guess, since this is my first entry, I should write a bit about myself. Well, I'm Buffy Anne Summers, and I turned 16 today. I am in the 10th grade, and attend Sunnydale High School. My best friends are Willow, and Xander. Willow is a bit younger then I, as she skipped the 4th grade. Xander, on the other hand, turned 16 back in October, so we have to revel in his oldness. Is oldness a word? Well, if not, I just made it one. Besides, not like I'm being graded in this, is it?

Anyway, moving on. I used to ice skate, and even took figure skating lessons for a while, but when we moved here to Sunnydale (I think I was about 10 when we moved), I had to stop, because we didn't have the extra money to take lessons. That's ok, though, because I still go to open skate at least once a week, if I can. 

Other then skating, I don't do a whole lot, sports wise. I want to try out for cheerleading for next year, but I don't think I'll make it. I'm not a very popular girl, so that means I am already on the bottom half of the list. 

Ok, well, mom is calling me for dinner, and it's my favorite, so I'm done for now. Maybe later I'll write some more.

January 14th, 1998-

Dear Diary-

That still sounds and feels cheesy to write, so I don't think I'm going to write it anymore. I know I said the other night that I would write more, but I just got all caught up, and well, this isn't a habit for me, not yet anyway, so it may take a bit.

So, now that you know me, let me tell you about school. Last year, two guys (brothers: Liam and William) moved here. Now, it's kinda hard to explain, and I don't know em real well, so I might mix it up, but I think Liam's mother married William's dad, and then they all moved here from different places. Like, Liam totally doesn't have the accent William has, so I really don't think they are from the same area. Plus, they totally don't get along. 

So, anyway, both moved here, and William's in my grade, and Liam is a senior this year, so I guess they are about 2 years apart. William is tall, and kind of skinny, but you can tell he has some muscles. He has bright blond hair, but I don't think that's his normal hair color. His eyes, boy are they beautiful, though. Deep blue, and so clear. (Don't mind that splotch there, I was drooling again)

Then, there's Liam. He's handsome. So handsome, in fact, that over the summer, he got signed up with a modeling agency, and he models for Calvin Klein now. Not the underwear shots, but jeans and stuff. Oh, he is bigger built then Liam, with wide shoulders. His hair is dark brown, just a bit darker then mine. His eyes are also deep chocolaty brown. Absolutely yummy. And, unfortunately, absolutely taken. 

So, where was I? Oh yes, so they move in to town, and beating the worst odds, William ends up hanging with Xander, which in turn, means he hangs with us now. He's a nice friend, fun to be around, but some times, he can just be so annoying. Why can't he just be more like Liam?

Well, today at lunch, I was late, because I had to talk to my English teacher about a paper that I did wrong (evil teachers, anyway!), so I finally get there, and ended up having to wait for like 15 minutes in line to get a lunch, and when I get there, all the good stuff was gone. 

I ended up with a bowl of cottage cheese, and an apple, then stopped and got some juice from the vending machine. So, I sit down, and turn to talk to Willow, and while I was turned, Mr. Bleached Brain himself pours salt in my cottage cheese, and sticks the apple right in the middle. 

So, basically, I was stuck with an apple (after washing it in the water fountain), and juice, and that was all. I was so mad at him. I don't think I'll sit near him tomorrow. Maybe I'll just go sit in the bleachers if it's nice. Oh well. 

January 15th, 1998-

I got to lunch today, and that brat was smirking the entire time I stood in line to get something to eat, so instead of sitting with my friends, I told them I had some work to do, and ate by myself outside. I think Willow knew I was avoiding them, though, because she kept looking at me oddly. 

Anyway, I was able to avoid the bleached wonder as much as possible today. I say it that way, because we have the last class of the day together, which thankfully, is study hall. I don't have to worry too much about having to be near him, because study hall is held in a really big room attached to the library, which is basically the size of 2 classrooms put together. Also, there are like 45 people in there with me. 

I ran into Liam today. He is so hot. He had on the coolest leather jacket, and a cream colored shirt that was really tight. I heard him telling someone that he got it after modeling it for a commercial. I can't believe it; Liam is going to be in a commercial. I'm going to have to talk to the bleached wonder long enough to find out what one, so I can tape it. Tape it lots. Multiple tapes, even. 

Oh, phone is ringing, must answer. It is impossible for a teenage girl to not answer a ringing phone. They did a study on that once. It was Willow, she wanted to know if I was mad at her, but I'm not, so I told her why I sat outside today.

Later

I ate, and was lying on my bed doing my homework when _he_ called. Willow took it upon herself to call him up, and explain that I was upset with him, and I have a really hard time being mad to someone's face, or voice as is the case. So, even though I am still mad about it, I had to tell him that I wasn't. 

Willow hates to see anyone upset, though, so I guess I should have expected something. One time, Xander was mad at this one girl, Amy, about a homework assignment she didn't turn in, but said she turned in, so she got credit for it. Anyway, Willow went over to Xander's house, and pinched his ear until he called and apologized to Amy. Actually, that worked out good, because they started going out for a while.

Maybe it didn't, now that I think about it, because when they broke up, Amy stopped hanging out with all of us, and now, she hangs out with some really bad kids, and people are saying she even does drugs. I've never done drugs, and I don't think I want to. 

I guess I had better go to bed now, though. I have school still tomorrow, and afterwards, I am going to open skate with Willow. Willow can't skate to good, but she's fun to go with. Now, what to wear for school tomorrow?


	2. January 18th to January 30th

AN: Again, please excuse the grammar as part of the story! Come on, how many diaries from a 16 year old have YOU read that had perfect grammar? :p

January 18th, 1998-

That boy is so maddening! Today, I called up to ask him about Liam's commercial, and once he finally let me talk around him, I asked (after hearing about his new car for like 15 minutes!), and he just said: Is that all you bloody called for, that wanker? And he had the nerve to hang up on me. Oooh, he makes me so mad. 

Last night, I went to the bronze with Willow, and Xander showed up with Will, but he had a new haircut, and kept insisting I call him Spike, which I don't think I'll do, just because it was making him mad. Instead, I started to call him either Willy, or Spoke, or Pike. I just acted like I couldn't remember his new nickname. Though, it backfired, cause he started calling me Betty, and then Bunny, and finally, Bambi. 

You know, I've realized that I spend way too much time talking about the bleached wonder in this diary. I guess it does help to vent my frustrations here, but still, I have so many other pleasant things I could be talking about, like Liam. I'm beginning to think he's never going to notice me. I'll just have to work extra hard, then, so that he does. 

Oh, I almost forgot! One of the cheerleaders fell and broke her wrist, and won't be able to cheer for the rest of the year, so they are holding tryouts this week. Mom's been helping me learn some of the cheers that the squad does, so I already know most of them. Liam is dating a cheerleader, so maybe he'll be there. Oh, he's so cute.

January 19th, 1998-

I brought you to school with me, so here I am, sitting in the girls' room during lunch, and writing what happened this morning. I can't believe it. It's just to cool for words. I mean, I hoped, so much I hoped, but wow! Oh my god, I'm rambling so much again. Get to the point, Summers. 

He talked to me today! And not just, 'hey, you're my kid brothers friend, how are you', but an actual conversation! I bumped into him in the hall, like, literally. Just wham, right into him. He caught me before I fell to the ground. His arms are sooooo strong. Anyway, he winked at me before going to class. Winked! Liam actually WINKED at ME! At Buffy Summers, Sophomore Extraordi- um, Super Sophomore! Oh my god, I could just die happy right now. 

January 21st, 1998-

Try outs started today. First we have to learn two cheers, one short, and one long. The long one is with a group of 5 other girls for me, and the short one is all 11 of us. They were both easy, and I already knew most of the short one, but they had changed a few of the steps. But, coolness for me, I picked it up soooo easy. So, we had to practice for 2 hours together today, and then tomorrow, we practice for an hour, then perform the two cheers. From there, they are going to cut 6 girls. Hopefully I won't be one of them. One girl, Cordelia, is defiantly not going to make it, though.

While we were doing a simple toe touch, she knocked like 2 other girls over. No way she's ever gonna make it. There's one girl whose not real good, but she can do gymnastics. I saw her practicing when I got there, and she was just doing so much cool stuff. 

Anyway, I need to finish my schoolwork, and practice the steps real quick before I go to bed. So, good night diary. Ugh, extra cheese.

January 22nd, 1998-

I made it! I got picked in the top 5, so now, I have to learn a harder cheer tomorrow, and we'll perform it the same day so they can tell how quickly we pick up on the cheers. I guess it's cuz they need to teach the girl all the cheers really soon for the games. No Liam, though. I guess it is kinda weird that the guys would come to watch. Oh well. Must go work on the cheers. 

Later-

William called, said he wanted to say he was sorry for being such a jerk, but when I said, Really? He started to laugh and then said No before hanging up. He makes me so mad!

January 30th, 1998- 

I am SOO sorry I stopped writing, cause I have sooo much to talk about now! I made the cheer team! Yay me! It's a lot of fun, and we do stuff together sometimes on the weekends. Tonight we're all going to a party one of the seniors, Travis McGee, is having. He's a friend of Liam's, so I am totally psyched! Mom even said I could stay the night with one of the other girls on the squad! 

I can't wait, I have this whole new outfit that my parents would totally not approve of. The skirt only goes to about mid thigh, but it's not tight. Then, for a top, I have this awesome black sweater that kinda hangs off one of my shoulders. So cool. 

Jessica is going to come pick me up. She's on the varsity squad, but since we all hang out, she's just one of the 'girls'. I'm staying with her tonight, as well. Well, gotta run, I'm getting ready for the party. I am thinking short black dress, nice tan legs, what man could resist? Hopefully, not Liam…. 

Bit later

Back for a quick minute, just had to write about my outfit! Jessica came over early, and helped me get ready, and did my makeup and hair. She did these neat little twisty curls all over, and they look so cool! Also, she vetoed the black dress, cause she said it made me look easy. Well, I never thought it did, but she is older. Anyway, she picked out this slightly longer black skirt of mine, that's not tight. It's loose and swingy, ya know, like if I spin in a circle, it swings out around me. Anyway, she picked that, and a long sleeve black v-neck shirt, and this pretty rose necklace I got for Christmas. 

Ok, we're off to party. Wish me luck, and cross all your fingers and toes!


	3. February 2nd to March 18th

Part 3

February 2nd, 1998-

Well, where to start? Things have gotten so flipped upside down since I last wrote. Liam was at the party, and solo, I might add. I must warn you now, though, that I don't actually remember most of the night. See, one of the basketball players brought some vodka with them, and spiked most of the drinks. Anyway, Liam was so nice. He helped me up to lay down in bed, and stayed with me for a while, until Jessica found me. She started yelling, but I can't remember what she was saying. 

Anyway, Jessica brought me back to her place, and I slept like a log until morning. I think Liam might have kissed me or something, because the girls look at me like they're jealous, while the guys all give Liam high fives when they walk past me. Very odd. Maybe he'll ask me out to the Valentine's Day dance. I already know what I want to wear, a red satin gown with little white pearls sown in a fringe around the skirt. Very festive.

February 13th, 1998-

Liam didn't ask me out. He asked out a senior. William, that brat, called up and asked what happened at the party. He said that Liam's been going around telling everyone that I'm easy! William said that Liam said that I don't even need a date, just a bed! I am so made at William for making that kind of stuff up. He makes me so mad!

I don't think I'm going to go to the dance. I haven't been feeling real good lately. Probably just stay in and rent some video's, instead. Oh, I almost forgot. Liam was in an ad I found in a magazine today. It's folded up in the back. He looks so nice in it. 

I have some homework to do, but I plan to try writing more often. So, see ya later.

February 19th, 1998-

I got kicked off the squad today. I shouldn't have been, but they said they needed someone with more gymnastics skills, and I just wasn't cutting it. I saw Jessica talking to Liam today, and they looked like they were flirting with each other. Jessica won't talk to me anymore, and yesterday when I walked into the locker room, I heard her talking about a slut. I didn't hear a name, but I have a feeling she means me. I'm not though, I'm still a virgin. That makes me so mad. I think Jessica is mad because Liam and I were alone together for a while.

February 26th, 1998- 

I've been so busy, I can understand why I didn't notice. I mean, it's not the kind of thing a girl wants, so why notice if it's not there? I mean, it could just be stress. Has to be stress, can't be anything else. My mom is taking me to see the doctor tomorrow, though, so… wish me luck. I'm so scared. What if Will was telling the truth?

March 3rd, 1998- 

Mom is counting the days down until the end of the school year, and then I am going to go live with my Uncle until late in the fall. The doctor had me go see a counselor, and mom started talking to some lawyers. They all said we didn't have a chance until the baby was born. I just don't understand how all of this happened, diary. I would know if I had been raped, wouldn't I? But, I would know if I had had sex, too, right? 

I can't remember either happening, and I think maybe it was the night I got drunk at the party. But Liam wouldn't do that, would he?

March 15th, 1998-

I told Willow today. She was very supportive, and promised not to say anything. I think William knows something's wrong, though, cause he keeps looking at me funny. I told the gang at lunch today that I would be leaving for the summer, and told them it was because my mom had to do a lot of traveling, and didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone. 

I wonder if any of them think anything's wrong. I have been out of school sick quiet a bit, but no one's mentioned that at all. I wonder what everyone will say when I come back. 

March 17th, 1998-

I cut my arm and hand pretty bad earlier today. They had to put 7 stitches in my hand, and 15 in my arm. I just got so mad. The person who stares back at me in the mirror isn't really me. She looks like me, but she's so different from me. So very, very different. I just want to hurt that girl with her sad eyes and pale skin. She doesn't look the same, she just looks so sad. 

Anyway, I was at school, and looking in the mirror, and this girl next to me handed me some foundation, and said I could use some makeup. She smiled so nice, like she was being helpful, but when I looked back at the mirror, I realized how bad I really did look. I thanked her, and tried putting some on, then handed it back to her, but it didn't look right. I just handed it back to her, and she looked at me funny, then left. After she did, when I was alone, I got so mad. 

I just started screaming, and then before I even realized what I was doing, I was slamming my fist into the mirror. The nurse said that some girl found me passed out on the bathroom floor. They got really scared, and an ambulance came to pick me up. Everyone was staring as they wheeled me out. 

Guess I'll be the talk of the school now. I'm at home now, but I have to go to the counselor again tomorrow, and the doctor at the hospital said that it would be good for me to go to a group home for a few days, to help sort my feelings out.  

The part I can't stand is the way my mom looks at me. She thinks there's something wrong with me, and there is. I just don't know what it is.

March 18th, 1998-

When I woke up this morning, there were flowers in my room. Just a conglomeration of flowers picked from a garden. Beside it, there was a card with a butterfly on it. Inside, it said, I miss you, so get better soon, pet. Spike. Willow brought balloons over last night when I was sleeping, and she talked to my mom for a while. Anyway, after all that, and a really quiet and uncomfortable breakfast, we left to go to the counselor. 

And that is how I ended up in Sunnydale Cares, a home for people who need rehabilitation. I used to think it was for addicts and stuff, but they deal with all orts of care, mental and physical. They let me keep this, so I could keep writing. My new counselor here said almost the same thing my mom said, that it's best for me to tell my problems to someone who will listen completely. They want me to start healing. 

They just don't realize that it's not that easy, because I don't know what's wrong with me.


	4. April 14th to June 12th

Chapter 4: 

  
**April 14th, 1998- **

  
I had to stay after school today, and get help with my work. I got behind when I had to be in Sunnydale Cares. Stupid teachers. My mom found out I wasn't taking those pills they gave me, and she had a fit. I have to take them in front of her now. 

When I went in for my checkup yesterday, I got to hear the babies heartbeat. It sounds so odd, like an echo kinda. And it's fast, much faster then my own. It still seems weird, I guess. I'm not showing at all, but some of my jeans are uncomfortable on my belly now, so I have to wear stretchy pants, or skirts. 

William, or Spike as he only answers to now, came over last night, and asked me what was going on, and why was Willow so secretive with me. He sounded so nice, so sincere, but I couldn't tell him. I wanted too, though. 

  
**April 27th, 1998- **

  
I hate getting out of bed now. It seems like every time I do, I throw up something, even if there's nothing there. Mom let me stay home today, but she warned me that I only have 1 more day I can miss this year. She called and talked with that troll, Principle Snyder, and let the staff know the situation, but she told them that it wasn't anything they needed to be gossiping about. 

I don't think I wanted Principle Snyder knowing. He's like an evil little troll who hates me. I leave on June 13th, which is the day after school lets out. Mom said she wants me away as soon as possible, because I'll be starting to show by then. 

We talked about what's going to happen when I come back, and mom said she's going to adopt my baby, and say that the baby is hers, so it will be my little brother or sister. She's going to bring the baby back here in the fall, but I won't come back from Uncle Evertt place until Christmas, that way, it doesn't look like I ran off to have a baby. Which, really, is what I'm doing. 

Everything is so different then what I thought it would be. It doesn't feel real yet, though. Mom said it would feel more real when the baby started moving, and kicking. I hope so. 

  
**May 7th, 1998-**

  
Spike stopped me in the hall today, and asked if I wanted to go to a movie with him Friday night. I told him I would ask my mom. Mom will probably say yes, she's been bugging me to spend time with my friends. How can I spend time with them, though, if all I want to do, is curl up under a blanket, and cry? 

Willow understands why I feel like I do, but she doesn't know what it feels like. Still, her and mom, and my counselor, have been pretty helpful. I take my pills like a good girl, and every time I go to a doctors appointment for me, or the baby, my mom takes me shopping to pick out something just for me. It feels oddly like I'm being bribed, but I guess it makes her happy, and I enjoy getting stuff. 

  
**May 19th, 1998-**

  
Spike keeps asking when we can go out again, but I just feel so uncomfortable around him. I think he likes me, but I can't get involved, though he is nice looking. He stopped being such a jerk, too, but I sometimes wonder if he'll start acting that way again. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

Mom pestered me about learning what the baby is, but I'm not sure I want to know. She wants to start talking about adopting a child to her friends, so they aren't all surprised then she suddenly brings a baby home. I guess I can see why she would want to do that. 

She did tell me that I could have all my friends over for a movie night before I have to leave. I told everyone at lunch the other day, and they seemed excited. I already started making a list of movies that come out right before then, so we can see new ones. 

  
**May 25th, 1998-**

  
Mom bought me this huge trunk today, and told me I should start packing it. I have 2, cause I already had a smaller one. She said that I shouldn't pack a whole bunch, cause Uncle Evertt doesn't have a lot of extra room for me. 

I went in for an ultrasound yesterday. It was weird. I really couldn't make much of the image out, but there was a faint spot that was blinking. They said that's the heart. My baby's heart. My baby is a girl. I'm going to have a daughter. Mom wants to name her Dawn. I don't like that name, though. I told her I wanted to name her. 

Willow and mom were both with me for the ultrasound, and Willow held my hand while they did it. I wasn't sure what they would do, I guess, so I was a little scared. It was easy though, cold and gooey, but easy. 

I think I should cut my hair, I hate it. It's growing out and the blonde has faded. I can't dye it, or lighten it. Can't even go suntan, cause I don't have any bathing suits that hide my belly. It's getting bigger. I have to wear long baggy shirts now. 

Jessica and her cronies just laugh when they see me. It hurts. 

  
**May 27th, 1998-**

  
I cut most of my hair off last night. I hated looking at it anymore, all the long limp strands. They were so gross, and so icky. My mom took me in today to get it fixed, and the stylist made it look pretty cute. I think mom is worried I might go all 'postal-buffy' again, because after that, she let me get a manicure, and a facial. No nails though, she said the doctors need to be able to see my nail bed, in case I have bad circulation. 

Only a few more weeks left, then I'm leaving Sunnydale for a while. I don't want to leave my friends, but I want to be somewhere that I can show that I'm pregnant, and not worry about it. Mom bout me a whole bag full of maternity clothes. Shirts, and pants, and shorts, and a cute dress. 

She told me that Uncle Evertt got me into a school there for people who are outcasts, an alternative school. Just for the semester in the fall, so I don't fall behind at all. I found a name book in Mom's room yesterday, with names all circled and stuff. I know she's excited. I told my friends at lunch that she wants to adopt a baby. Willow already knew, but now, they all do. 

Spike caught up to me on my walk home, and asked me if everything was all right at home. I think he wonders what is going on. I just told him everyone was fine. He walked me all the way home, even though it's not in the direction he lives. 

He told me that Liam was leaving for the summer as well. He got accepted into some agency in LA, and is getting his own apartment there. Maybe he'll never come back. 

  
**June 12th, 1998- **

  
Everyone was over tonight, and Willow is still here. She's spending the night, and driving with Mom and me to San Francisco, where Uncle Evertt lives. Spike.. I don't know where to start. He brought me a present that he tucked into my hand right before he left. He sat next to me all night, and acted almost like a boyfriend. He got me things when I said I was going to, and he put his arm around me towards the end of the first movie, and kept it there for all of the third movie. 

I waited until Willow fell asleep, then opened the present. It was a really pretty, a silver chain, with a rose charm on it. Inside the roses petals, there was a small ruby. He had a card tucked into the small box too, that said to remember him while I was gone, and to call often. 

Maybe Spike's not as bad as he used to be. 


	5. July 3rd to December 14th

AN: I'm going to be pretty much flying through the summer, and end of the pregnancy from here, and start off with her back in Sunnydale either at the end of this chapter, or the start of chapter 6. Oh, yeah, and guess what? The previous part dealt with rape, though, hey, you already knew that.  
  
July 3rd, 1998-  
  
Uncle Evertt isn't so bad, most days, though I think he's feeling a bit burdened by all of this. He's already said that Willow can come up sometime next weekend. His apartment is small, and the extra bedroom used to be his office, so there's still a lot of junk in it.  
  
Tomorrow is the 4th, and I was supposed to do what I do every year: go to the Sunnydale carnival, and sit on the hill watching fireworks with everyone. Guess maybe next year.  
  
My belly is getting bigger every day, I think. I go to bed, and it's small, and the next morning, it's bigger. I can still wear my own shirts if they are loose, but my own shorts are way too tight.  
  
I finally saw Liam's commercial today. He smiles so nice, it's hard to think he doesn't mean it.  
  
July 19th, 1998-  
  
Spike called today, and asked how everything was going. He said he heard that Mom found someone who would let her adopt a baby, and then he got all quiet, and asked if I needed to talk about anything. I told him no, and he said how some girls were talking and that he over heard one say that she thought I was pregnant.  
  
I didn't want him to know, so I laughed, and told him that it was ridiculas. I can't spell that word, hmm.  
  
Willow is coming to visit next week, and Uncle Evertt is letting us go sight seeing. My shirts are too tight on my belly, except the three my mom got me before I left.  
  
She calls a lot, and keeps bugging me about the name Dawn.  
  
I like the name Keira, I think. Mom doesn't, though. I don't want Dawn, though. She kicked yesterday a lot. I think she's getting excited to come out, and I know I'm excited to have her out.  
  
August 10th, 1998-  
  
I miss home. Uncle Evertt is gone a lot now, and just leaves money for food in the cookie jar for me. Maybe I should just go home. What's so bad about being a teen mom?  
  
August 26th, 1998-  
  
School starts tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I already went to the school, and learned my way around. Ha, like it was hard. It was a tiny building with one short hall, and it had 2 classes on each side, with an office near the front.  
  
They even let the kids call the teachers by their first names. It's weird. They have a day care, too, and the woman said they are expecting to have 9 babies in there at the start, but that most the mom's won't make it the entire year, because even with help, it gets to be too hard.  
  
She also said that there were 2 other girls pregnant that they knew about, but usually, there are at least 2 or 3 more that they don't know about yet.  
  
September 10th, 1998-  
  
I came home early today. This baby is getting too big for me. I guess it's a good thing that we sit at tables, and not desks, because I don't think I would fit behind a desk.  
  
I talked to Willow and Spike both tonight, because they were both at Willow's house, watching movies. I miss doing that. I wish I could just sit down, and relax with my friends. The kids here aren't bad, but I'm not going to be here much longer, so what's the point?  
  
I think mom and I compromised on a name. I like Samantha, and she likes Dawn. Samantha Dawn is something I can live with, but Mom still said she wanted to call her Dawn, but that when she was older, if she wanted, she could change her mind and be called Samantha, or Sammy.  
  
I like that.  
  
September 25th, 1998-  
  
My doctor here said I have to start coming in every week, on account of my blood pressure being too high. She was all worried because I might have a problem with circulation, or something. She also said that if it gets too high, she was going to indu- um, that thing, where they make me have the baby early.  
  
That might be nice, because then, if the due date is different than what it's supposed to be, maybe the kids at school won't think anything odd when I come home.  
  
Mom is going to bring Dawn (I still hate that name) home right away, then I will go home right before Christmas, when school let's out. Then, I still won't see anyone until January, when school starts back up, so I have time to get back into shape.  
  
Mom said she has the nursery all done, it's all in white, with light pink fluffy curtains, and she had an artist friend paint big bunnies on the walls. I still have nearly two whole months, and I don't think there's any more room for this baby to grow.  
  
October 14th, 1998-  
  
This girl at school, she had twins last night. She's only 15, and she has two sons to take care of. Her mom and dad are helping, but they said it was her job to be their parent. Her boyfriend left her when he found out, but she said he still calls. I hope he sees his kids, and knows how stupid he is for leaving her.  
  
One of the stoners from school said I should be a pumpkin for Halloween, cause the school has this big Halloween party every year, and you can dress up, and everyone brings in food to eat, and it's supposed to be some big deal. They said they do it for Christmas and Thanksgiving, and Easter, too.  
  
I kind of like this school, cause it's small, and the people are a lot nicer, even if they are supposed to be the 'bad' kids. I almost half wish I could stay here.  
  
I got a small package in the mail from Willow. She sent a baby blanket for when Dawn is born, and she sent a box of my favorite cookies, and a picture of her, Xander, and Spike that they took last weekend at a skate party.  
  
Spike had the biggest smile, and his eyes were really blue. It's in the back of the book, with the other stuff. It's getting too thick, though, so soon, I have to buy a box or something to put the scraps into. I told Spike I would call him this weekend.  
  
He's been really sweet when we talk, and says he misses me. He also said his brother got fired from a job, because he offered to sleep with the producer if it would help him get another job. I laughed, but as I did, I got sad, and started crying. Spike was upset, and kept telling me not to cry, because he didn't like me to cry.  
  
October 29th, 1998-  
  
I got a huge orange sweatshirt today, and painted eyes, a nose, and a mouth on it. I also found a bright orange stocking hat, and put green felt leaves on it. That's about as far as I plan to go for Halloween.  
  
November 1st, 1998-  
  
Well, my doctor was right, apparently. On Halloween, when I was at the school party, I got all sick, and passed out, and they had to have an ambulance come get me and everything. I ended up having to have labor started. We called mom right away, and she made it up only about an hour before Dawn was born.  
  
She has the tiniest little feet, and fingers, and her mouth is so cute when she opens it to yawn. She's so beautiful. Mom brought in a car seat this afternoon, cause if everything checks out, Dawn can leave in 2 days already. She's actually fairly long for having been so early, and she wasn't to light, either.  
  
She felt like a load of bricks being shoved through my nostril, though. It happened to fast for me to get pain killers, though, and let me tell you, it's not something I ever want to do again. They've let me have some mild pain killers since, because it hurts a lot still.  
  
My belly looks so deflated. Like a popped balloon. Feels like jello, too. I called Willow today, and told her, and Mom called her friends to let them know that she would be bringing Dawn home soon.  
  
November 4th, 1998-  
  
I bawled like a baby today. Mom left, and took Dawn with her. Everyone at the hospital knew she was being adopted, so no one would let me take her from the nursery, unless Mom was with me. She's so tiny, and now, she's not with me.  
  
My arms feel empty. I don't like that.  
  
November 20th, 1998-  
  
Mom sent pictures to me of Dawn. She looks so different, so much bigger. I talked to Spike and told him I would be home soon. I don't think I have to hide from everyone all that long. I used some of my 'mad cash' mom sends me to sign up at a place near by for aerobics, and to use the pool, and already, I can fit into my old clothes. I just need to tone it all up a bit, and make sure my stretch marks are covered, and I'll be fine.  
  
My ob said I'm lucky, because I don't have that many stretch marks, and they are already faded to a silvery white color. I work out nearly every day, and I already packed away all the maternity clothes. I don't ever want to see them again. When I went in to the ob, she talked to me about birth control, and her and mom both talked me into getting this thing you insert under your skin, and you can't have kids for like 5 years.  
  
It itches a little, and feels weird, though.  
  
December 12th, 1998-  
  
Wednesday is the last day of school, and I am all packed up. Mom is picking me up on Thursday morning, then on Friday, she said I can have a few people over to watch movies. They don't get done with school until Friday, so I get out earlier then them.  
  
I can't wait to see Spike and Willow. Mostly Willow, I think, but Spike too. I can't get over how nice he has been since I came here to stay. Always nice, and the flowers he sent were really nice, too. I saved one, and pressed it flat between two books. It's in the small cigar box I found, with all the pictures.  
  
Good Bye San Francisco! Sunnydale, here I come! 


	6. December 18th to December 22nd

Chapter 6

December 17th, 1998-

Home, home, home, here I am. I can't believe it still. Things are odd here, though. I mean, I see Dawn, and hear her, and she's so tiny, but, it's weird. Ya know? She's not mine, not now. She's moms. She's my sister. 

Willow came over last night to welcome me back, and invited me to go to the Bronze tonight. I told her I couldn't go, though. Tomorrow, Willow and Xander, and Spike are going to come over. Spike doesn't know I'm here yet. I told him I'd be here Saturday, so he doesn't even know where he's going tomorrow. He got an old beater for a car over the summer, but when I asked Willow about it, she rolled her eyes, and laughed. Now that I think about it, Spike might be at the bronze tonight. 

Wonder what I should wear? I started trying on clothes, but a lot of them are tight in the chest, and hips. Mom said I have a more womanly body now, and I have to accommodate it with my clothes. She said she would take me and Dawn to the mall in a bit, so I could get some new clothes, and so we could find some stuff for Dawn. I guess some of her friends threw her a shower after she came home with Dawn, and they gave her quite a bit of stuff, but there's still more to buy. Always more to buy, always another bottle to feed, always another diaper to change.

Even though it feels weird not being her mom, I am kinda glad I don't have to do all the work. Mom said I have to baby sit once in a while though. Oh well.

December 18th, 1998-

Went through all of my old clothes, and so many don't fit, so Mom had me pack them in my trunk, and we hauled them up to the attic. It was kind of depressing, cause I had some cute things I was looking forward to wearing again. We took Dawn in, and went shopping at the mall, and mom gave me her credit card, and told me to go find some clothes. 

I got a few pairs of cute jeans, and some really cute tops, but still, it doesn't replace all the clothes that don't fit now. Mom said I should get an after school job, and start earning my own spending money, since we have Dawn now, too. Whatever, I guess. 

I did get a totally cute outfit to wear tonight, though. A pair of faded jeans that come down on my hips a little bit, but not too much, and a top that drapes kinda off my shoulders a bit. The neck is weird though, if I want, I can wear it up on one shoulder, and down on the other, or I can make it even on both, setting just on the tops of my shoulders. 

It's a really pretty pale green color, with flowers kind of swirled on it, and glittery places. I picked up a strapless tube bra to wear under it though, cause mom said now that I have a chest, I need to make sure I always wear a bra, no matter what. Personally, I think she is just worried about what might happen if I don't wear one. She's so paranoid. 

December 19th, 1998-

Willow is still asleep on my bed, and Xander and Spike are down stairs sleeping on the fold out. Mom was totally cool about that. I didn't think she would be, but she said she trusts them. Come to think of it, she almost said it like she trusts them, but not me. I wonder how long it's going to take for her to trust me again. They all did their ooing and ahing over Dawn, but Spike kept looking at me kind of funny. 

Anyway, they got over here a little late, but not too bad. Willow brought video's and they had all stopped off for snacks. Xander kept telling Spike they were going to a movie, but that mom wanted them to stop by so she could talk to them about having a surprise party for me. Some surprise! He just stared for a minute, then smiled, and hugged me after Xander did. 

He was acting kind of shy most the night, though, and kept watching me when he thought I wasn't looking. We went outside after Willow went to bed, and Xander went to the bathroom, and we sat talking for a few minutes on the back porch. He said he missed me a lot, and was glad I was back. 

He just smiled at me in a funny kind of way. Like he was proud of me, or something. He looked at me for a minute and asked how it felt to have a baby sister in the house. I think he realizes who Dawn is, but I'm not going to tell anyone. Willow knows, and that's enough.

Later

Mom made us all breakfast, pancakes and sausage and eggs and toast. It was good, because everyone was hungry after the long night of staying up for movies. Willow didn't get up until ten, and the boys were still sleeping when we came down. Sleepy heads. It's ok, though, cause we had fun putting ice down the backs of their shorts. Spike was all imb- embar- embarrassed and wouldn't get up until us 'women folk' were out of the room. Xander laughed and picked on him a lot. We're going to go to the mall today and do some Christmas shopping. I haven't gotten anything for anyone yet. Mom slipped me some money, and I already have some left over from San Francisco. I have to get things for Mom, Dawn, Willow, Xander, and Spike. I don't know what to get him. Should I get him a boyfriend type thing? Or a friend type thing?

Dawn was up when we ate, sitting in her little bouncy thing on the table near us. Spike kept looking at her with a smile. I guess he's technically her uncle, huh? Uncle Spike? No, not that, Uncle Will. Yeah, I like that better. I think I'll call him Will instead of Spike again cause it sounds nicer.

December 21st, 1998

It's Monday. We're going to go ice skating together, and do Christmasy kinds of things. Mom has a baby sitter staying at the house while we skate, then I have to watch Dawn when we get back home. We're going to bake cookies, and haul out the Christmas decorations. Mom wants us to wait to decorate the tree, though, till she gets home. It's Dawn's first Christmas, so mom wants to take pictures. Will said he'd go with me to get a tree when Mom gets home from work. He's been over every day so far. Even when Willow and Xander aren't here. 

I think he's going to ask me out soon. I think know I'll say yes. Oh, I got his Christmas present. I got him a silver chain to wear, and a small bottle of aftershave that smells nice. I got Xander a bottle of cologne, and Willow a pretty necklace with a music note hanging from it. I found a cute stuffed bear for Dawn, and a blanket. For mom, I got a photo album, and a necklace that has a charm that says, #1 Mom. I think everyone will like the presents. I hope so, anyway.

Later, at night

We had a lot of fun decorating, but the cookies got kinda burned. Not all of them, just 1 batch. The rest turned out good, though. Mom made a big speghetti (I don't think I can spell that right) dinner for everyone, and we all made the tree up real nice. Mom had picked up some new ornaments, all in silver, to go on the tree. It's mostly silver, but there's some purple and green, too. The lights are all white, though. I'd like more color, but mom likes it, so it's ok.

Will took Xander and Willow home, then he's coming back over to talk, he said. I think he's going to ask me out. I'm all giddy. I brushed my hair and put on some makeup, and I think I look nice. I think he'll like it.

December 22nd, 1998

I forgot to write yesterday. It's funny, a year ago, I laughed at the thought of writing in a diary, and now, I look forward to putting my thoughts down at the end of the night. I know I can re-live it by writing it all down. 

So, Will wanted to talk the other night, right? He wanted to say a few things, actually. Some good, others… not. He did ask me out, though. We're going to go see a movie on Christmas night. Me and mom used to do that every Christmas, but with Dawn, she said not this year. 

He also told me that Liam is moving back home for a while because he can't get enough jobs to pay for a place in LA. He looked at me for a few minutes while I let that sink in. I don't ever want to see him again, but I don't think I have much choice in the matter. 

Will said that Liam told him that the baby was his. I just sat there for a minute, then laughed and looked at him. I asked him what baby he was talking about, and he just said Dawn's name quietly.

I tried to tell him again that Dawn wasn't mine, but I ended up crying and telling him everything. It felt horrible telling him at the time, but it felt good getting it out in the open, and being able to tell someone else, you know? 

He just sat there for a minute, then pulled me close, and hugged me. He said he wouldn't tell anyone at all. He went home after a while, and said he'd call me. He hasn't yet. I hope we're still going out on Friday. Willow, Xander, and Will are supposed to come over Friday afternoon when they are done with their family things, and exchange gifts. Is Will still going to come over? I wonder why he hasn't called.


	7. December 23rd to December 25th

**Ch 7**

December 23rd, 1998

Mom took Dawn to get shots today, and when they came home, Dawn was very crabby. Mom was getting frazzled, so I took the baby to her room, and rocked her for a bit. She calmed down and fell asleep after a few minutes, so I laid her down. When I came down, Mom said Thank You to me.

He stopped over last night. LATE last night. We were all asleep, and he climbed up to my window to wake me up. Mom would have SUCH a cow if she found out. He kept tapping on the window, trying to wake me up. Thanks to Dawn, though, I get up fairly easy at night. Mom doesn't make me get her up or anything, but I still hear her. Anyway, he looked like he didn't sleep after leaving me the night before. He looked really tired. 

I told him to go home and come back tomorrow, but he shook his head, and said he needed to talk –now- instead of later. I told him he had to be really quiet, then I let him in. 

Anyhow, he told me that he had a lot to think about, and that's why he didn't call earlier. He said that while he didn't exactly like his brother, it was hard to believe that Liam cold do something like that. But he also said he wanted to believe me. I just told him to believe what he wanted, but that what I told him was the truth. He looked at me kinda funny like for a moment, then nodded and said I know, love. He called me love, and he always does, but saying it all soft made me feel all funny.

So, he stayed a bit longer, but we really didn't talk about much else. In fact, we really didn't talk about anything. He was too busy kissing me. Yeah, I saved that part for last, because I get all fluttery thinking about it. He kisses very good. Better than anyone I've ever kissed, in fact. 

Very nice. I would not object to more kisses like that.

December 24th, 1998

So, Willow and I went shopping today, again. I bought everyone something, but I just want to get Will something more. I found him kind of a gag gift, a bumper sticker that says, "I'm addicted to Passions". It's from his favorite soap opera. We both watched it while I was away. It gave us stuff to talk about. 

So, I got him that, and I found a keychain that says, "I'm not an asshole, I'm the asshole". It's crude, I know, but that's what I used to call him. So, I'll give him those when everyone exchanges presents Christmas afternoon. The silver chain and aftershave I'll give him when we're alone. I wonder if he's gotten me anything special, or not. I can't wait till he comes over. 

Willow was telling me about this new kid she kinda likes, Oz. He plays in a band, and she wants me to go to the Bronze next week to hear his band play. She gets all giggly when she talks about him. It's cute to see her all flushed and giggly. 

Later

Will called tonight, and said he'd like to get together before everyone came over, to give me something. Since it wasn't that late, I told him he could do it then, if he wanted. He said that was fine, and came over for dinner. Mom and I always make a nice Christmas Eve dinner. Not really big like Christmas day, but still nicer than every other night. It's usually just us two, because she says we need some family time, but she said it'd be fine if Will came over.

So, he got here, and first we helped mom get dinner finished, then set the table with the 'company' plates. Mom complains that we don't use them enough. We only use them for holiday's, and important company. While I was getting those out, Will scrounged around and found some candles for the table, and made a nice little centerpiece in the middle for dinner. 

The food was great, and it was kind of fun having a grown up kind of meal with Will there. Afterwards, we even helped mom clean up, and put away the few leftovers. There weren't many, though. 

After we were done, we got Dawn into a nice warm coat, and put her in the stroller, then we all took a walk to see Christmas lights, just like every year. Except this year, we added Dawn and Will to it. Anyway, me and Will walked a little ways behind Mom and Dawn, and talked a bit. Then, he blushed and got out a small box from his jacket.

I giggled a lot, I know that. How imba embaris embarrassing. Anyway, he had me open it right there. It was a really pretty silver necklace that has a small heart shaped ruby hanging from it. There were matching earrings in another box he handed me, too.

Both are very beautiful. He had to wait until we got back to the house to open the presents I got him, though. He liked em both, though, I think. He gave me a very nice kiss good night. Mom teased me and laughed afterwards.

December 25th, 1998

Merry Christmas! Mom dragged me out of bed when Dawn got up at 7:40 this morning. She had the video camera set up on a tripod to tape us as we opened our presents. Mom got me a really nice tan leather skirt that's butter soft. It comes down to just below my knees, and it's kinda tight down to my knees, then flutters out just a tiny bit. It's VERY nice. She also got me a sweater and two tops that all match the skirt. From "Santa", I got two books, a new movie, and a CD. Also my stocking was full of makeup.

Dawnie got loads of things. Small stuffed animals, a few outfits, a mobile for her crib, and a baby gym for when she's a little bit older, the blanket I got her, and a few rattles and stuff.  She ended up falling asleep before we were even halfway through her gifts. Mom stuck a bright red bow on her head while she slept.

Later, we got her dressed in a pretty dark green dress with white lace ruffles. She looked really cute, and even has little tiny black paten leather shoes to wear. So cute. I wore the skirt, and put on the sweater with it, and I have a pair of nice boots that match it. I even put on the jewelry Will got me.

After we got dressed, we started dinner. Mom had the ham in the over from really early, so we just got the rest of the stuff done and around. It was almost done when Willow got over to our place. She comes over earlier because her family is Jewish, so they don't do much on Christmas day.  She usually helps us get the house all ready for people. Mom even usually lets all of us have some real eggnog, as long as we don't leave for a long time after having it, and promise not to tell people.

Will came over next, with Xander right behind him. We all sat down to eat first, and then we cleaned up before it was time to open the presents. Mom usually gets all my friends something little, too. This year, she got them each a movie and CD that they'd like. I helped her pick those out. Willow got me a sweater that I drooled over each time we went to the mall. She liked her necklace. 

Will laughed really hard at his two gag gifts. He had done the same, and gotten me a 'friend' gift, too. He got me a little stuffed bear that is holding a bottle of perfume. It smells all right. Not great, but not bad. Xander got me a box of my favorite chocolates. He liked his cologne. 

Everything was great today. The movie we went to see was really good, too. I'm going to remember today forever. 


	8. December 26th to January 10th

Chapter 8

December 29th, 1998

I saw him today. I was just walking at the mall with Mom, Dawn, and Willow, and there he was. He was with some girl that I didn't know. I don't like him. I hate him. I felt like walking over to him, and slugging him.

Mom saw him, too, and veered us into a shop to browse. I made myself sick from that encounter. My stomach was all icky, and I felt like I was going to either pass out, or toss my cookies. Not pleasant. 

December 31st, 1998

Will is going to be here soon to pick me and Willow up. Xander is coming with him, I think. We have tickets to the New Year's party at the Bronze, which starts in a few hours. First, dinner, though.

Mom let me 'shop' in her closet for a dress. She has all sorts of pretty sequined dresses from when she and dad lived in LA. She had one that she's never let me even think about wearing. It's bright red, and only has one shoulder strap, and tiny rhinestones sewn all over it. It sparkles very nice when I move.

I had a nightmare last night that Liam came over, and took Dawn from us. He was angry and yelling at me about how it was all my fault. I woke up all sweaty, and crying. I hate that man. I hope he's not there tonight.

January 2nd, 1999

Sorry I didn't write about the party, but I had such a rotten time. Liam showed up, and his gaggle of friends were making fun of me, and of Will. Liam called me dead weight in bed. He said I didn't know how to please a man.

Will punched him, though. That was kinda cool. They got escorted out, so we all went to Willow's house to watch video's after the Bronze. Her parents were in LA for the night. 

I hate Liam. Hate hate hate him. Mom told me that we should steer as clear from him as possible, because until Dawn is 6 moths old, he can use a lawyer to protest the adoption, because we didn't have a father's consent.

I hate him. Did I say that already? Cause, I should say it a few more times, just so you know. I hate him.

But I think I might love Will.

January 4th, 1999

I started back at school today. A few people who never used to talk to me, talked to me today. Of course, they thought I was a new girl, and when they heard my name, they laughed and left.

Oh well. I still have my group of friends. Will was really cool at school today. He held my hand nearly the whole time. It was kind of hard getting back into the schedule. There's so many people here compared to my old school. 

I also already have homework to catch up on, since my history class was assigned a big assignment to do for Christmas break. This bites.

January 5th, 1999

Today was horrible. So far, the New Year bites. Why was today horrible? Oh, because I got served with court summons over Dawn. Liam wants a paternity test done, so he can be her father. Mom's talking to a lawyer now. Will came over and apologized. 

His step-mom has been pushing Liam to get his baby. Will says Darla is a real bitch, and that she has this weird thing about family. His dad's really embarrassed over the whole thing.

I hate him, hate him, hate him.

Oh, and I got a C on a pop quiz in biology. Today was horrible.

January 6th, 1999

Mom's lawyer said we have to file a complaint with the police, citing rape. I don't wanna. But it will help our case. 

I hate him. Have I mentioned that lately, diary? Cause, I do. Will keeps apologizing, and saying that he'll figure something out.

We have to go to the judge next week. We don't know what he'll do. He might make me take a paternity test. He might not. If he doesn't, then Liam can't do anything. If he does, then Liam can take us to court, and try and get Dawn.

Willow's been staying over the past few days, and keeping us company. Dawn's too tiny. She's too small to have to deal with all of this.

January 9th, 1999

Tomorrow we go to court. I'm so nervous. Mom's been snapping at everyone. She's upset, too, I can tell. There's just not much we can do about it until after the appointment tomorrow. Xander came over yesterday, and wanted to know what exactly was going on, so I told him everything.

Now, all my friends know. He wasn't all that surprised, but I guess that with me leaving, and Dawn coming home, it's not really all that surprising. I have to give him props. He's being very supportive, and said he was just waiting for me to admit it to him. 

Is it wrong of me to hope that Liam drops off the face of the earth, and dies? I suppose it is, he just makes me –SO- made. I know I keep saying that, I just can't help but think that when I say it, it doesn't empha- you know, like make it known just how much I hate him.

I really hope he drops this whole thing. Then, I hope his 'naughty bits' fall off from rot. See, cause I picked that phrase up from Will. He's been going by Spike still. I don't like that name still, but he doesn't make me use it.

Mom's having me stay home tomorrow, even though our court time isn't until around 3. She says it'll help her to be around me.

January 10th, 1999

We're leaving in a few minutes to go to the court. Mom got her friend to come over and watch Dawn. She doesn't want Dawn there, and the lawyer agreed completely. 

I have to dress 'mature', too. I'm wearing my new leather skirt I got for Christmas, and a long sweater. My mom even helped pull my hair back in a long braid. 

I just don't want to go. Maybe if I close my eyes, and concentrate real hard, it'll disappear. Or I will. Which ever is more convenient. 

  
Oh, go to hell, Liam.

Later

Today is the best day ever. The judge heard both of our stories from the lawyer, then asked me to stand up. He asked me about that night, and I told him everything I had heard, and everything I remembered. 

He said he wasn't ordering me to get a blood test. I don't think he liked Liam –at all-. Not that I blame him. I don't like Liam –at all- either. His mother was glaring at us when we left the court house, and she came up to me and said, "This isn't over by a long shot." Mom told her to take a flying leap.

After that, we came and picked Dawn and Mom's friend up, and I called my friends, and they all met us at a nice restaurant for dinner. 

Will kissed me in front of everyone when he got here. He had heard our good news when he was at home dropping off his books and everything.

I am so glad, for mom, for Dawn, and for me. Although, I'm sure it's going to get out for sure now, that I had Dawn. I should be upset about that, but I'm not. Mom is still going to be Dawn's 'mom', though.

She said if I get all my homework done on time this weekend, I can go out Friday to the basketball game and dance afterwards.

Go me!


	9. January 12th to January 21st

Chapter 9

Jumbling the dates just a tad- for some reason I got off on the dates before, not that it matters horribly. Ah well, enjoy, and review, as always! Sorry for the long delay. It took a bit to get back into the swing of this story. :)

January 12th, 1999

Happy birthday to me! I'm 17. Wow, I've had this for a year, and it's not very full yet.

Will got me a card, and sent some flowers to me at school. Willow's spending the night Friday night to do some girl bonding over chocolate ice cream and chick flicks. Mom gave me a gift card for $125 that's good at any store in the mall. I think me n Willow are gonna go shop on Saturday.

I'm doing really crappy in several of my classes. Willow is going to come over after school tomorrow and help me with biology. She understands things so easily. Like the first time she reads something, she just gets it. I must be just the opposite. I read it, and understand even less. Ok, maybe not that extreme.

Will brought me home from school. He's so sweet. He said his brother's been a real 'wanker' at home, and keeps telling Will that he should be trying to help his family not his girlfriend. Will said that, and then looked at me with wide eyes, like he hadn't ment to use that phrase. I kinda liked it. Is that what he is, though? Is he my boyfriend? I don't know. I should ask him.

January 14th, 1999

Liam came over today. He actually had the nerve to come over here, and ask to see Dawn. Mom was home, thankfully, and told him to leave after telling me to go call the cops. She said we should go and get a restraning order against him. I don't think that'd stop him. I just hope next time he comes over, mom is here.

Will called and said I shouldn't leave the house alone, cuz of Liam bragging about how he was gonna do something to make me change my mind. I don't like this. I want to curl up on the bed, and pretend nothing ever happened. Will said he'd pick me up for school in the morning.

January 15th, 1995

It's Friday. I have all my work done for the week, but it's only lunch hour, so maybe I'll get more. Willow helped me with my biology stuff, and I actually got a B on my papers from yesterday. Will said he'd take me to the dance and the game tonight, and that we could maybe go do something before for dinner. I gotta go now, though, cause I have a test next hour, and want to study some yet.

Later 

I hate my English teacher. She gave us an assignment that's just huge. I have to get caught up in that class yet. I think Will's coming over in a few minutes. He said he'd help me with the paper before we go out, so that it gets done. It's English. I mean, I speak it, why isn't that enuff?

Later 

The game was all right. We won for once. Liam was there, with a gaggle of his ho's around him. Will stayed next to me the whole time, though. Afterwards, we got to go to the dance. He said he liked my outfit. It was just a plain ole black skirt that's all loose and flarey, and then a top that slips off one shoulder. I had my hair brushed down, and curled, too.

When I was in the bathroom, I overheard a few girls talking about me. They weren't saying nice things. I stayed in there until I knew they were gone. I think they were his ho's. I hate Liam. Will didn't let him come near me all night, but he did try once, I think. I hate him. He smirked at me, and had his arms over the shoulders of his ho's when he finally left.

Once he was gone, we had more fun. It was fun just dancing, and being with all my friends. We didn't have time to eat before the game or dance, so afterwards all of us went over to the Doublemeat Palace. Ugh. So gross. But I was hungry, so I ate. It was fun, though. Willow is in the bathroom now, getting ready for bed. We're having a sleepover, like in grade school, complete with some movies, and junk food, and gossiping. I think she's crushing on Oz still. She talked about him a bit, and got all blushy. She gave me a scrap book tonight, too. She started filling in a few pages with pictures of all of us, and of Christmas this year, and some other stuff. I love it. I can't wait to get more pictures to put in it.

January 18th, 1999

I didn't write since Friday. Woops. Me n Willow went shopping Saturday, and Will and Xander met us there. I got some awesome new clothes, and a pair of these really cool shoes. I wore a new outfit and the shoes to school today. A few girls said they really liked my outfit. I got my test from Friday back in Biology! I got a B. I'm so happy. Mom will be too.

Dawn was up a few times last night. I heard her twice. Mom says she might be cutting teeth, but she likely won't get any for a few months. I took her for a walk after I got home from school. Nothing long, just around the block. When I got back, I realized I probably shouldn't have gone alone, cuz of Liam, but I don't think he'd try anything, anyway. He's mad, but I don't think he's that stupid. Just brain dead.

When I look at him now, and look at Will, I can't even begin to imagine what I saw in him in the first place. He's just so… so… eww.

January 19th, 1999

Will came in and stayed with me after school today. I baby-sit Dawn when I get out of school, so that Mom doesn't have to pay the sitter so much. I like the time with Dawn. Will really likes being with her, too, I think. She smiled and giggled at him when she saw him today. She's starting to get some hair, too. Not much, but it's soft and brown, and fuzzy.

Mom said she wants to get her pictures taken soon, and that she'd like one with all 3 of us, too. That would be nice, I guess.  Will stayed for dinner, too. Me and him cooked it, to surprise Mom. She was glad when she came in to see it done, along with a clean house, and a sleeping Dawn. She said it was a long day at work. I'm glad I have a mom who can be so understanding with me. She might not trust me as much right now, but some mom's would have blown a gasket.

I asked Will tonight if I was his girlfriend. He asked if I wanted to be. I was kinda imbarresed to answer, and he finally said that he would like for me to be, if that's what I wanted, so I said yes. I have an official boyfriend. I'm glad I met him, and got to be friends with him for so long first. He kissed me when we were out on the porch swing. He kisses so good.

January 21st, 1999

My classes are doing so much better now. My English teacher was saying that he's impressed with my work over the past week. Will knows it inside and out, he's helped a lot. When we watch Dawn, he and I work on my homework, and then clean up the living room, do the dishes, and start dinner for Mom. Or, we have for a few days now.

It's… nice. I like it. I was flipping through and rereading you today, Diary. I was so different a year ago. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't made the cheerleading team. I doubt Liam would have even noticed me. It would have changed so much. I wish I could turn back time. But would Will be the same if I hadn't had Dawn, or left for the summer and fall?

I'm glad I have him.


	10. January 30th to February 12th

**Chapter 10**

January 30th, 1999

It's Saturday. It's a rainy Saturday. Today sucks. Will can't come over, cause they're going away for a family thing. Willow's gone to something, too. Xander's got Saturday detention. It's like they all did this on purpose. Mom has to go away in a little bit, anyway, so that leaves me with Dawn today. Sometimes I wish she knew I was her mom, but other times, like when I want to go out, or when I hear her crying all night, I'm glad that Mom's raising her, not me.

Is it bad of me to think that way? I mean, I wasn't ready for a baby. I wasn't ready to even do things that lead to a baby. Mom says I must be having baby blues. I've been moping around the house for a week now, just bored, and icky. I want out of this house. Mom said I should look for a part time after school job. She said I'd enjoy getting money, and that I would be out of the house. Maybe I should look at the mall later, and get a fun job at one of the clothes shops.

Oh, well.

February 4th, 1999

I know, I know, I ignored you again for like a week. So sue me. Will brought me home from school today, and stayed to help me study and take care of Dawn. I like when he does that. It's like we're a family. Sometimes I pretend he's her dad, instead of Liam-butt-head. He's really good with her.

Me and Will drove to the mall on Tuesday and I put applications in at 8 different places. He also put a few ap's in, and told me his dad's been bugging him to get a part time job, too. I wonder  how expensive it will be for mom to keep a baby sitter all day for Dawn, if I get a job that starts right after school. I hope it won't be too bad. I know we have the extra money, and she keeps saying we're not hurting at all, but I worry sometimes that she's not telling me how bad it might be. Must be those baby blues.

February 5th, 1999

Well, I heard back from a place I left an application at, and I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I'll get a job. It's at a baby shop at the mall. That'd be neat, cause I could get discounts, and that would help with the cost of things Dawn needs. I'd rather work at a cool shop, though. Maybe I won't even get hired. I told Mom when she got home, and she was excited, and said she would drive me over there tomorrow, and her and Dawn would go walk around the mall while I do my interview.

She also wants us to get our pictures taken, finally, tomorrow. Since we'll already be at the mall, she thinks it'd be good to do it after my interview, so she made an appointment to have it done. She has a dress for Dawn that's light blue, so she wants me to wear a light color, too. I hate light colors. Ugh! Oh, well.

February 6th, 1999

I got the job! I work 3 afternoon's a week, Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, from 4pm until they close, at 9. That screws me Friday nights, but oh well. Also, I have to work 1 weekend day each week. It'll alternate, she said. One week it'll be Saturday, the next it'll be Sunday. Those hours are during the morning, from 10 when they open, until 3pm. I guess that still gives me the afternoon and evening on weekends to do things.

I get minimum wage, and a 25% discount on all clothes, and 10% on diapers and baby food stuff. She laughed and asked if I'd even need it, so I told her my mom had adopted a baby in the fall, so we would be able to defiantly use it. Mom was excited, though. Big time, too. Especially about the discount.

We got our pictures taken. They looked all right, I guess. Not anything too spectacular, but at least the one's of just Dawn were cute. She was smiling big in them, too. Will's picking me up in a few minutes to go see a movie. I like spending time with him, especially alone, and in the dark. Yeah, I know… I'll still be good. And it's not like I could get pregnant again, anyway, but I don't plan to put that theory to the test for quite some time.

February 7th, 1999

Mom was on my case this morning. Not sure why, but I don't think Dawn slept much last night. I know mom was tired, so I told her to go back to bed, and I'd take Dawn out for a walk. She did, and slept for like 4 hours. She was in a much better mood afterwards, though, so that's good.

The movie was all right last night. Not great, not bad. Just kinda blah. It was nice being with Will though. I think we kissed more than we watched the movie. Good thing we were in the back row, in the corner, where no one could see us. His mouth is so nice. He tasted like licorice, cause that's what he was eating during the movie. I think I'll always associate the taste of licorice with Will kisses. Nummy.

Oh, I hear Dawn again. I think I'll take her for a while, before I go to bed. I don't want mom to be all frazzled again.

February 8th, 1999

I started work today. Mostly just filled out paperwork, and got trained on the job. Nothing too exciting, though. There are so many cute outfits for Dawn. I can already tell I'll need to restrain myself when it comes to buying her clothes. I told mom that I plan to buy her diapers there, though. At least one pack a week, so that Mom doesn't have to. Plus, with my discount, they're a lot cheaper there than at the grocery store.

Will called while I was at work, to leave a message. He got a job at the mall, too, at a music shop. He works Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. He has the same hours as me during the week, so on Monday and Friday, we can ride together to and from work. On Sunday, though, he doesn't work until noon, and get's out at 6.

Still, it'll be nice working at the mall kinda together. Not together, together, but still, together at he mall. Willow came over while I was working, too, and offered to take Dawn for a walk. She likes being around Dawn, I think. She couldn't stay long enough for me to get home, though. She did say she'd call me or just tell me in school, and since she hasn't called, I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

February 9th, 1999

Willow is going out with Oz Friday night, he asked her yesterday after school. She's excited. So am I! He's really nice. I think they'll get along good. Will said we should all go to a movie together, until I pointed out that their first date should be alone. Plus, we both have to work until 9 on Friday. He scowled, and said she should all go out on Saturday, then. I have to work in the morning and early afternoon, but it'd be nice going out in a group.

Xander even started talking about some girl, so that's cool. Maybe before long, we'll all be hooked up. Oh, and the best news yet? Liam got caught drinking and driving, and got put on probation, AND, he has to do community service. Is it wrong that I'm totally getting a kick out of this?

Work was good today. They put me in charge of unpacking new merchandise, sticking tags on them, and hanging them up on racks. I got to see the new stuff first, which is kind of cool. Granted, it'd still be cooler if I had gotten to see clothes in MY size being unpacked for the first time, but blah. It's a job, it's money, it's away from the house.

February 12th, 1999

I don't know why I totally forgot, but Valentine's day is Sunday. I wonder if we're going to go anywhere. Will has to work until like 6, though. Maybe we'll do something Saturday night. There's a school dance, but I don't want to go to that. Maybe a nice dinner. Pooey, we haven't gotten paid yet. Oh, well, maybe next weekend.

I did ask my mom for some money, so I could get him something small, though. Tomorrow after work, I want to look around at the mall. She gave me $20, so that's cool.


End file.
